Wednesday, June 1, 2016

One of the many chapters!

Yeah.. I have not been answering your calls. Well.. to be precise ‘call’. And am not replying to your texts because you didn’t send me any.
Am strangely at peace. I love you. I love you so much. I love you the old school way. I love you like you would never know. I simply love you.
And it’s because of this love that I am letting go. It is because of this love that I do not wish to attend your calls. It is because of this love that I can’t be ‘just friends’ with you.
Hellll.. Nooooo! I can’t be friends with you because of the simple fact that I love you.
If you think I am being harsh on you, that’s not true. Am being harsh on me. There have been times when all I wanted was to keep you in my life somehow and hence I agreed to be your ‘friend’ but I did realize that I have a soul and I can’t half love you like a friend. That it’s because I am crazy about you I feel jealous when your phone is busy at 10:45 in the night. It is because I can’t stop thinking about you that I am annoyed that you chose to call back after one hour treating me like another option. No, am not an option. I am too passionate and full of life to be treated as one. I deserve to be on the top of anyone’s priority list. Am not a normal woman. Am strong, independent, crazy, stupid, absurd, adventurous, brainy, curious, lovable and what not. Yes I am. You may laugh at this but the world knows this fact!. Huh.. I bet even you do.
It’s true that if I want I can have anyone in this world as my partner. But I want you. And that does make you special. And it’s your loss that you do not wish to be treated that way.
You want us to keep talking and have those orgasmic conversations. No way. Because I do not want only that. It’s true it’s rare to find such connection where we could go on and on and on. Where even silence is a conversation. Which I found in you and it’s hell attractive. But I want more. I want you to be my support system for the rest of my life. I want you to fight the world for me when I am tired of fighting. You said you could fight a war for me.. I am sorry but I choose not to believe you. It’s been only a year of loving you but it feels like it was meant for me to fall for a dumb-ass like you.
I feel jealous when I am not the woman of priority in your life. I feel dejected when am treated like a friend and not like your soulmate. I feel lost when I want to hold your hand and you refrain. I feel sorry for myself when I see that am crying like hell and it doesn’t bother you. Sometimes it is important not to repeat things rather than being sorry. Unfortunately I have only received words from you and nothing in action.
So yeah.. I can’t be friends with you because I want more. I want to explore the world with you. I want to hold your hand and jump in a river for a swim. I want to visit every damn library with you and feel the silence of the words and smell of the books. I want to drink and dance with you every Friday night and get up early morning to see the sunrise with a cup of coffee. I want to hug to sleep and wake up with your kiss. I want to make passionate and sensual love to you and scream your name when you are inside me. I want to go grocery shopping with you every Sunday. I want you to feel that you have the world when you have me, the way I feel for you. I want you to push me to achieve more. I want you to call me when you are away just to say that you miss me and to hear my voice. I want you to nurse me when I am sick. I want you to surprise me with an omelet in the breakfast cooked by you once in a while. I want you to understand my love for bags and shoes and scarfs. I want you to tell me that am the prettiest mess you could ever see (and not have seen). I want us to travel and find our peace spots. I want us to be happy when our plants grow. I want you to console me when I cry in movies. I want you to buy me nachos and coffee each time we watch one in the theater. I want us to feel the thrill when we see an action/ thriller movie and pretend that we are driving a super-sexy super-fast car.
I want us to fight and bang the doors, walk into different rooms and still keep shouting only to cuddle to sleep in the night.
I want us to go for long walks to buy an ice cream and quarrel when one finishes sooner. I want us to discuss life over cigarettes once in a while. I want us to laugh at a situation which might be serious for someone else and hold our stomachs as they ache.
I want you to miss me when you see french fries like I miss you when I see a chocolate. I want us to pack our bags and plan out a spontaneous trip when life gets too much on us. I want us to discuss our savings for a better future. I want me to be your response when someone asks ‘Love, Life, Home’ in the ‘first word that comes to your mind’ game.
And I want a lot more .. And all this is too much for you and too easy for me. So you see the difference here. That’s why we can’t be friends.
I have some real beautiful memories and some more beautiful in my imagination. And I do not want to tarnish them. I have already lost you in my love story.. I don’t wanna lose the memories and this feeling I have for you by being friends because both of us know, I will eventually get hurt again.
I am letting you walk away before I reach a spot in my life where the meaning of being in love with you becomes pain. I know you never asked me to stay back as I wasn’t that drunk the other night. I know I was not a priority for you on Christmas because I was always taken for granted. But I know I filled some space in your life which I guess was temporary.
I am not temporary sorta woman. I am a keeper. Maybe you are too weak to handle me, too weak to love me because it surely is difficult to match my emotions. Well, all I can say is that it will not stop me from being in love with you and if in order to do that I have to deny your proposal of friendship and let you go, I will.