Romantic- Hell yes! Hardcore. Diehard. I believed in love stories. I believed that when you love someone your world changes. He becomes your world. You both are meant to take on those adventures together, you dance, you laugh, you cry, you travel.. you do it all together. You find happiness in small differences because you learn to appreciate others. That love makes you a better person. That it helps you grow as an individual. It makes you stronger and content. At least this is what all the books made me believe. And I kept believing it till my first heart break, then second, third, fourth..until now (Hey! Don't judge. Even small crushes can turn into heart breaks!).
What made me realise? Well, I won't answer this question. But I want to share what I realized. I realized that after a certain age, we all are damaged souls. We all have had broken hearts, beliefs miscalculated, dreams snatched and castles destroyed, in some way or the other. Who we thought were our soulmates, hurt our souls and depart. They actually take away a part of us too. And when that part is replaced, we change. We change with every pain. Every heart break. Every negative emotion. Some of us tend to create a wall around ourselves, some of us become less emotional, some of us become completely emotionless, some of us become heartbreakers themselves and what not. The point is we become a chemical reaction. Yes! a chain reaction. One damaged soul tends to form another damaged soul and the reaction continues. There is a very small sector of people who are strong enough to keep loving their new found love even after going through pain, and try to heal each other. But till when?
I know our past experiences define us. But why do we presume things? Then again, when we don't, every new experience turns out to be exactly like the previous one. Right? So why not assume? Why not presume? Why let your guards down? Because the moment you let your guards down you are taken for granted. Right again?
Wow! I wonder where will this end? We so much call this 'the search for the right one?' and then either end up being single throughout (which is a super duper awesome choice) or settled with someone because it was time and you should have!
End of this might be different to different individuals, with the extremity differing to. What I want to know is where did this all begin? So I ran a public questionnaire (not sharing the details), and I so much detest the people we have become. The answers have only left me bewildered. The top five reasons I received were:
1. We loved each other since the time I remember. But as we grew in our careers, we realized that we couldn't compromise our growth for each other.
2. I either should have got married to my first love or I should now get married when am 40. I want to experience so much. Can't really do with only one girl, right?
3. Money and career first. People keep coming and going.
4. I never was against marriage. I loved my girl. But she wanted me settle away from my city. I couldn't. And now I can't help myself fall for anyone again. Flings are fine.
5. We really don't need anyone forever. Do we?
I am perplexed.
How did we become so damaged? When did we become so soulless? Money?! Career?! Open Relationships?! When did our life become so complicated? We have so easily started growing apart from the people we invested our time, energies and most importantly, emotions in. Breaking up has become so easy. Getting into another relationship is simpler till the time there is no future dreams attached. 'Good friends' is the new terminology in place of 'Friends with benefits'. Because intimacy is a need! Let's not bring emotions in it.. But then I also hear, 'Without the connection, I feel it's just mechanical.'
How??? Really? How did we turn into these people? How did we come these individuals? That we started breaking hearts one after the other. And then finally becoming so damaged that it stopped feeling right with anyone. Ego has taken over self-respect!
It's a vicious circle. I believed that if two damaged souls could meet and 'talk', they could embrace each other's wounds and heal. They could re-define their love. They simply could build a new life.
But I don't know why I feel by this belief would be betrayed again.
I am still the person who goes out of her way to do things for the people I love. I can still travel miles to surprise someone and plan someone's birthday months in advance. But I was asked to stop.. I was asked to stop doing things for others and lift your guards up. I was again asked to build walls around my heart. I was told to become cold.. by no one else but me!
Because I too am damaged, you see!
- Prettiest Wreck