I had written this long back. Had posted this as well. But then deleted it. Then I realised that its all about feelings.A person has lots of ups and downs in his/her life. And he/she shouldn't be afraid of expressing the feelings they go through then. Coz though the life is long enough, we have very less time to express.:)

So here it goes...
Dated- 12 July,2010


Its gone..that feeling of curiosity, belongingness, togetherness, contentment is gone.. I have become so quiet all of a sudden. nothing feels bad. nothing feels good.. its so much better but its so much lonely. At least now I know what to expect from life. I can see myself alone.. but I guess I am comfortable like that now. I am much more like me when I am with me. I know what to expect from myself and what not to. At least if I expect from myself I am sure I will do anything to fulfill it.. Its much better than expecting from others and hurting yourself.. One really doesn't have the rights to simply ask other person to give him/her what he/she wants.. But i guess without it any relation will be empty and colourless.. well i am liking it this way now.. for the time being..
Coz i need to value my tears, I need to value myself now. I know what I go through and I know why I should be left alone..
I am not running away.. but I suddenly am not liking to talk or socialize. Its better that I stand alone at the edge of a cliff rather than having somebody by my side.. Coz There will be a constant fear that he/she may push me down!!

Hatred

Hatred is Hatred… you can’t help it!
When I say I hate that person,
I simply hate him…Just don’t question.
I hate him and that can’t be changed
I want his thoughts to be out.. to be drained!

Don’t tell me to ‘not to like him’,
I am sorry, I tried but couldn’t.
He has hurt me to the core and that is a fact
You still deny it, believe me, that is his tact.

One day I hope I’ll be free from all these crap,
I’ll be far away in my own land,
Happy and contented that I had a clear mind,
Maybe then you’ll see what it was meant to be,
Maybe then he’ll be doomed, since you’ll be with me.

Dusk to Dawn

I prayed the whole day,
I prayed the whole night,
I prayed the whole night and day,
For days together, to seek strength,
To seek the depth of reality,
To come out of the predicament of confusion,
To find what it felt like
To find how it feels..

I heard the sound of beats,
I saw the ray, sparkle.. that twinkle
I saw the radiance,
I tried to take the cognizance of what I saw and heard..
Is it an illusion, a conjuring trick?
I am not imbecile, I am a child, O Lord,
Who seeks a rejoinder, who wishes to come out of this riddle
The riddle which made me pray.. which was invincible!!

Alas! I could decipher the sound and the see,
I realised what the Lord wanted me to be,
I found the answers to what I asked,
It was ethereal, the touch but it was still masked..

I got an offer which I couldn’t repudiate,
I knew I was close, close enough
The radiance, the twinkle,
The joy that sprinkled
I found you in my prayers,
The answers to all my years.

The offer was to grow in your love,
To touch, to feel, to be free,
The riddle was solved, the tears were gone,
I know lie in your arms from dusk to dawn.

its not a good feeling..

Jealousy- one of the definition which dictionary describes is, feeling angry or unhappy because sb you like or love is showing interest in sb else!!
I used to mock at this definition. In fact has made fun of it so many times that this ‘J’ word always brought a smile on my face even at a thought of it. I took this feeling as a joke till the time I myself experienced it.
Damn!! It hurt. Well it felt as if I had just drank a bottle of acid and it burnt all inside. It’s like a fire in there. It’s sick. This result into water coming from eyes which we human call tears. The tears do soothe some of the burning sensation but does not help for a long time.
Drinking water also fails. You simply feel like locking up yourself inside a room, with your thoughts, and away from all the social life. You feel like killing that person you are jealous from even though he/she might have not done any harm to you personally.
And if you are in this state for quiet sometime, it brings out the worst in you, the devil in you. I never knew I could be so possessive about an individual outside my family but love shows you everything.
Its been around a month now that I realised how jealous I was. Have done a lot to cure it. But the bits still remain. The feelings are felt sometimes but they stay for a very short duration.
Its only the love of your partner that can cure it to 100%. If he is successful in reviving that trust in you, your ‘J’ will vanish in the thin air..
I hope my day is nearby.. when I feel free to mock at this feeling again!

I wanna sleep peacefully..

I did what I shouldn’t have,
I lost which was all I had
I never knew this would bring us apart
I thought I was the only one on the card

A year without your presence,
A year without your feel,
That fragrance of your perfume, that warmth of your hug
Will I ever get that back? Will it stop to bug?

I said am sorry, I cried, I shouted
It was unintentional; it was not what it was
I thought you knew me well, I thought we were one
I think what I thought was not worth, I failed... Fate won!

This feeling is killing me; it is the most terrible fear
I have lost my confidence; I have lost faith in love
Maybe you know this, Maybe you don’t
But I know that without you.. I won’t live, No, I won’t

I was no more the one for you... I was not the one who knew you
It felt like a somebody else, it felt like a morning grass without dew

I have agreed it’s my mistake, I totally have accepted,
But one thing which I don’t, Is the privacy that we have lost
I don’t accept to stay away from you; I don’t agree that your love is more
I don’t agree to the fact that you care, Coz all I agree is that your love is pure.