I had a wish...

I had a wish to lie in your arms,
On a cold winter night, feeling your warmth.
I had a wish that you would protect me,
From the storms of life, and never let go.
I had a wish to spend my whole life with you,
I had a wish that my wish would come true,
No matter whether its dusk or early morning dew.

I had a wish to play scrabble with you, each Saturday,
With a bowl of pop corns, and no worries whatsoever.
I had a wish to have a home, a dwelling of love,
Where one was always welcome, where the word ‘No’ did not exist.
I had a wish to be around you all the time,
I had a wish that my wish would come true,
Whether the sky is cloudy or is blue.

I had a wish that you will hold me,
Each time while crossing the road.
I had a wish that you will cross all the boundaries,
To be just there when I missed you, to give a hug.
I had a wish that my presence was all that you wanted,
I had a wish that my wish would come true,
But I didn’t know that the days of you and me… were just few!

I had a wish that you will love me, love me day and night,
That I got up to find you next to me, and in the night I slept with your breath beside.
I had a wish that after every fight, the silence would kill us,
Would make us run to each other and embrace.
I had a wish that Thee blesses us with endless trust and faith,
That there was no dearth of care.
I had a wish that you would understand my silence,
I had a wish that you would just come give me a hug... and say I am there..
I had a wish that my wish would come true,
But I did not know that you will simply deny to start anew.

I had a wish to be the only one for you,
With whom you would share your world.
I had a wish to make all your dreams into real,
And stand beside you as your strength, your pillar.
I had a wish that you would be mine forever,
I had a wish that you will unbreak my heart..
I had a wish that my wish would come true,
But it never will, it never can, coz I have lost hope that you will come back.. this is not false.. this is so true!

My fantasy world… a fairytale! It never existed…

I so much want to believe in the Cinderella story, the snow- white story, the little mermaid, the Anastacia, the princess & the frog… In all those stories where the girl meets her prince charming at end… and they lived HAPPILY EVERAFTER!
Happy ending… huh!!

I always wondered how can an end be happy? How can one so much believe that the prince and the girl would live happily… forever? Why do people write such stories which make one believe that all will be perfect and take them far away from the realities of life, blindfold them that they cannot see the practical aspects.
It’s all bullshit! Believe me. There is nothing called a perfect life. Hurt, pain, compromises, sacrifices are just a few realities which one needs to understand. Nothing is perfect, you have to fight to make it one.

A perfect couple is the one who understands the true meaning of being in a relation. They should know how and when to draw a line and how and to what give a priority. One of my professor said, ‘Live life like a child. Laugh like a child. Remember, career is a part of life; it’s not LIFE.’ and this is so true!

Till last month, I lived in a world of my own. My world, where whatever I dreamt turned into reality, where whatever I wished was granted. At least I thought it was, at least I thought it could. But then, it broke. It broke me into zillion pieces. The pieces which I know I will never be able to collect. It broke my faith in love. It broke my faith in faith! It left me shattered and dejected. And made me realise how dependent I became on love. I did not know how to control my emotions. I begged, I cried, I pleaded… I did everything I could. But nope… nothing happened! Sometimes you unknowingly, unintentionally create an illusion around you and think it to be in real. The illusion makes you believe in anything and everything. And then suddenly one fall breaks it all; you lose whatever beliefs you had. You become helpless. You blame life. You blame Almighty. You blame your fate.

I don’t believe in love anymore. I don’t believe that there is something called love. At least not for me. I don’t believe in fairy tales. I definitely don’t believe in happy endings!!

There is no one out there who can turn my dreams into reality, but me! But the dreams I had of a perfect relation and love, well, they don’t exist anymore. They don’t have a space in my life.

I went out for a walk in the evening thinking about what I was writing. I was thinking and smiling and frowning… all at one time. Yeah! Strange!

I was lost in my thoughts when I suddenly saw an old couple walking ahead of me, in their track pants, looking smart and contented with life. The lady was talking (as usual.. no offence to the girls, but we are like this..and we love ourselves for this!) and the sir was eagerly and passionately listening to her. It made my frown vanish and I stopped thinking whatever I was and just kept walking behind them, reducing my pace. I loved it. The smile on Sir’s face and the excitement on lady’s made me go awe. It was so perfect. After all these years, one could clearly see the love between them. The eagerness and the passion. The soul of the relation was still so young. I felt beautiful.

And sad. Coz this is what I had always dreamt. A life where my partner always wanted to hear me out. A relation where the soul was ever young and the passion never ending. A relation which gave me contentment and a peaceful sleep in the arms of my beloved. Like a fairy tale… I always wanted to ‘live happily ever after’.
But it all ended.

I have now grown out of pain. I have come into terms with the reality. And am not even trying to collect those broken pieces. Love is not made for me. So now I don’t have a world of fantasies and illusion. They were never meant to exist. I thought I will make my own fantasy world but I don’t have any strength left. Life is this!
Now my world has just me!

A prayer

Till last night…
I had a poem in my mind, a poem of my wishes
Till last night I wanted to write, but morning found me in blues,
I got up to find clouds, no sun; I could not find the dew.

O Lord! Tell me… Why do you see us in pain?
Why do I feel my emotions are running down the drain?
Why can’t love win, is it too hard to run through this lane?

I am surrounded by loneliness, am surrounded by hatred,
He is no more mine, do you even care?
I used to walk with a blindfold, as he held my hand to guide,
And now I walk alone, with darkness in front of my eyes,
I can’t see the light, how long is the tunnel?
I am losing hope, I am sick of the lies!

They say, how you can make someone so important,
That his absence, his dearth, gives agony?
O Lord! How can you not see what it feels inside?
When you don’t know what time will decide!

Am tired, shattered, drained,
I need strength, I need no pain,
Thee, please come to rescue,
I surrender my soul to you,
I need peace, I need solace,
I need serenity, I need to feel back what you took away,
Please fill this hollowness again,
Please take far away the pretence,
Either make me numb, O lord!
Or make me strong like a rock,
Emotionless, no feel, a dead heap of dust!
Let the zephyr blow me away, from this world to you…
Let me see the sun again, make me see the dew!

To be honest I don’t wanna feel that love again,
I don’t want to have a life again, if all it gives is heartache,
I don’t want him to come back, if he will leave again,
I am feeling so helpless; I am feeling so low,
Maa, why can’t you undo the sorrows?
Please hold me once and say that things will be alright,
Lord, please hug me once and tell me you are there,
I don’t wanna break, I mean it,
If your plans are to continue, then this must come to an end,
Stop! This must go, this soreness, nothing is worthy of,
Break the promises, break the rules,
Lord! For once please tell me, you will erase all the blues.

I am losing my belief in love, is there something in it called divine..
But that’s your presence, O lord!
If you exist there, then why didn’t I find you in here?
Or are you there, silent and quite, not making a move,
The ‘Us’ has changed to you and me,
Your blessings have been divided,
We stood together once, Now I stand alone,
With an empty heart, an empty soul,
Lord, help me to overcome this,
Help me recover from this, and so strongly that no one can,
Ever try to come again, Fill this emptiness with the faith I have in you,
No, Not with emotions, Just faith in you, I don’t want the love, I don’t want the pain,
I just want to surrender my soul to you.

A big thanks..

To be honest.. things are not good.. Yes.. they have been keeping me sad.. and unwell as well (:P).. I had been lying to myself for such a long time.. Had been asking Almighty why me..?? My friends got sick of me.. I got sick of myself.. really.. the blues were just not ready to leave me.. or maybe, I was too blind to see that it was me who was holding them back.. and not letting them go..

But I don't know from where came a friend.. an old school friend.. actually two.. one from my second standard.. the other from my eight standard.. whose words worked as a miracle and made me realise that I had lost myself.. For no reason..They don't know me that well.. But then they know what I was.. and now what I am.. and I now could see the difference..

Thanks friends.. I know if my fantasy world doesn't exist.. I'll make one..!!

:)

I hope it's not a goodbye!! :'(

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.

Bible says,

Love is patient and kind,
it is never jealous,
love is never boastful or conceited,
it is never rude or selfish,
it does not take offence,
nor is it resentful.
Love takes no pleasure in others’ sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes.
Love does not come to an end. There are three things that last, faith, hope and love and the greatest of these is love.

Am not broken, am not numb,
Am not tired, am not quiet,
Am too much in love, too much into you,
And am very much scared of not being with you.

Nothing can take you away from me,
You are here, within me,
The world is blind if it cannot see,
But who cares, I know you belong with me.

The truth is that its killing me, this life, this place,
It’s so barren, so pale, the air is so silent
It doesn’t touch me, it’s not passing through my hair
My heart is screaming, but my mind warns, ‘you dare!’

I promised to be strong, I promised to take care
I promised not to cry, at least make it rare,
But I didn’t promise to breathe, without you,
I didn’t promise to stop dreaming about you.

I remember your words, your promise that you’ll never leave
Your love is pure; it’s all what I have, all I believe,
It’s what I was born for,
It is what I am made for.

You are my umbilical to live,
You are the one I bow to,
Your love is my heartbeat,
Don’t let it stop; your love is what I need.

I don’t wanna be just a friend ,
No, it can’t, it cannot happen,
I want you, I want you to want me,
I want things to be back, I want you to be here,
I want you to hold my hand and say you’ll be there.

I want you to fall in love with me again,
I want to have you back in my life,
I want you to tell me, without me you can’t live!
I want you to say, you do love me.. you always did.

I still can’t believe that we stand on this turn,
The turn that life took all of a sudden,
I can’t believe that our grip was so weak,
We walk on the same road, not together, the nearness is bleak.. 

Time heals, but it erases as well,
You left, left me in tears,
Said that you’ll come, come back soon,
My wait has begun, my soul awaits from sun to moon.

I do not expect, I hope, all will be good,
But the fear deep inside kills, for the worst I am not prepared.
I hope the old times will be witnessed again,
With you I wanna live, live long and not die,
I hope all this is not real…
I HOPE IT’S NOT A GOODBYE!! :’(